Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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