Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
