Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
