dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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