Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
