He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
