I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
