Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
