This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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