Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
