I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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