I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
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i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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