her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
