It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
even my farts smell like vagina
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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