yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
