I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
