When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
