"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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