So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
