I cannot find my penis.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
