hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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