Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
