you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
