Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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