dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
