My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
