I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
