Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
