a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
