that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
