I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
