I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
