My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
