If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
