he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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