I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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