All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We are all done wearing pants today
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.