Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.