Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
