Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
