Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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