Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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