life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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