Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
