dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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