Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
