Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
