Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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