im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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