There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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