Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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