and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
