Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
