It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
