So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
