I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
