If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
